These few months have thought me a valuable lesson. A lesson that I had learned once and told was wrong. I changed only to learn that whoever told me I was wrong needs to go fuck herself.

What I'm talking about is being "nice". In every relationship I've been in I was told that I'm a heartless son of a bitch. So I did what was needed of me; I changed. Big mistake. Everyone and I mean everyone takes advantage of you. Even when they say, "I'm afraid of taking advantage of you. You're being too nice to me". Guess what? They will. There was this girl who was interested in me. At first I couldn't believe it. I just got out of a serious relationship and I looked like a mess all the time. But I started believing. So we talked for a couple months and after fiddling with my hectic schedule to fit hers. We went out. For the first time as something more than friends. It was going great and all. I sent her home, got a hug and went on my merry way. The very next day I receive a text saying that she just wants us to be friends and yada yada (You get the picture) The reason? You guessed it. She said I was too nice. What the hell. Honestly. What the FUCK?! But fuck it.

I've learned my lesson being an asshole makes the world appreciate you more. Terrible logic but its true.

I've never really talked to anyone about this. But I feel like its time I actually let it out of my chest. I lost my Grandmother at the age of 12. That is the first time someone I know has passed, hell, its the first time I actually thought about death. She spent her last moments in the intensive care unit (ICU). We took turns going into her room. Wanna know what's funny? I couldn't cry. I forced myself to cry so badly but I just couldn't cry. I just couldn't. I grew up without a dad so my mum had to work to support me and her. I was closer to her than anyone. She took care of me; she would listen to my ridiculous stories at night as I sit by her bed, she'd purposely sleep later just to listen to me, she'd always make tea for me, she's always scold me when I did something wrong, she took care of me. And I love her. When she was gone it took me a couple of nights to come into terms with that fact. And from then on for a few months I would cry every night. I'd sit by her bed and pretend she's still there. I'd drink tea every day. I still do. No one really gets over this kind of thing you know. Losing someone can make you go insane. Losing someone close makes you lose yourself. There was one night when I was just minding my own damn business and a thought popped up to me; I couldn't remember her voice. I would spent the day thinking about it. I would spent the night thinking how horrible must I be to forget. I don't wanna move on. Its the only thing I have left of you. If you are watching me please know that even though I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the times I was rude or insensitive to you. And that I love you. I will never forget the things we talked and shared about. I love you Grandma. May you rest in forever blissful peace.

I've always knew I would ruin it. There has never been anything in my life that I could sustain other than music. But then again maybe time will tell. I've failed miserably. I'm sorry that this wasn't easy. When I ask you to believe me and I'll never let go. I'm thinking of the worsest things I've said to you. Even promises don't mean a think anymore. I'm going down this road and I do not wish to take you along with me. But if you persist we'll both go down together and we might stay there forever. But we'll try to get up even if its impossible. I'm not promising you this. I'm asking you to have faith in this. Please try.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Whenever the sun goes down, I feel my heart.

I'm not sure why I'm in so much pain.

So don't ask me why, It'll just make it worst.

You keep telling you love me more.

Yes I felt it was true for the first few months with you.

It seems things have changed.

I'm not sure if its my fault to begin with

I'm sorry.

I'm just expecting to much of this relationship I suppose :\

Afterall, most relationship will reach this stage anyway.

So I'll just buckle up and pray I'll pull through.

I hope theres a god out there cause I'm barely hanging on.

I'm so sorry.

I used to be a hopeless romantic just like you,

And it nearly killed me. I picked up the pieces,

But still no matter how perfectly I put them back together

I can still see the cracks on that messed up reflection.

I was afraid, of letting myself go to you.

That was a mistake.

And I've changed for the better, or worse. I'm not sure now

I've again landed myself to being a hopeless romantic.

I'm constantly in pain because of your absence, yet

Your smile will always see the tears on my cheeks.

I blew up on you, I should not have.

I'm sorry. I just miss you, so much.

Love

Joe

I have one eye shut, hair standing like i was struck by lightning and its all fine :)

I shall wait for my lovely girlfriend to call me and scream at me to shower and get my ass over asap x) Don't get me wrong its not horrible in anyway. I Kinda sorta like it.

I miss her..

Don't question my position as a boyfriend when you talk shit about your girlfriend behind her back. Bitch